Bad Girls Go Everywhere, But Where Do Good Wives Go?

A new book is out and about entitled, "Bad Girls Go Everywhere." This 270 page biography is about the life and times of 'chic, intelligent and free-wheeling Cosmo girl' Helen Gurley Brown. The bio (priced at $27.95) has already sparked controversy - was she a blessing for single girls, a curse for married woman or a ground-breaking liberator of both?

Brown's 1962 book, Sex and the Single Girl, sold over 2 million copies in just three weeks, but instead of changing a male-dominant system -like followers of the women's movement - she showed women how to manipulate it.

Charlotte Hays, of the Wall Street Journal, doesn't buy the praise lavished on Brown in the book by Scanlon, saying Brown was a woman who "disdained housewives-and slept with more than a few of their husbands, simply because doing so afforded her more money or a better apartment. Call Brown 'Shrewd' but don't call her a feminist hero."

Indeed, Brown has claimed to have been "sexually involved" with a boss or a colleague at every office that she worked while single. And she didn't marry until she was 37-years-old - a lot of time to 'cat around' and then to David Brown, a movie producer.

After her best-selling book, Brown ran Cosmopolitan Magazine for 35 years, encouraging women to live larger lives, establish careers and embrace their sexuality. To this day, Brown still over-sees Cosmo's foreign editions.

It may be fun and exciting to be a swinging single Cosmo girl - at least until that liberated girl lands in bed with YOUR husband - and then, perhaps, it ain't so sexy.. is it?

Something worth celebrating?

Today, in 1987, the publishers of the Oxford English Dictionary announced that the word 'bonk' would appear in the 1989 addition of the Dictionary.

Local man 'murders' girlfriend.

These headlines are not uncommon, unfortunately. I always thought the Surgeon General should declare on the back of bridal magazines,
“WARNING: marriage/relationships may be dangerous to your health”.

After all, if a woman is murdered it will most likely be from the violent acts of her boyfriend or husband. How does love so right, go so bad, so often?

Feminists, theorists, psychologists have been debating this issue for some time now. But despite efforts encouraging public and enlightenment, education domestic violence is – unfortunately - here to stay, and current reports indicate that it is on the rise. One reason given for the increase in domestic violence is the decrease in the performance of the economy, and job opportunity.

With economic pressures weighing down on marriages, violence is often the convenient, albeit wrong, way to blow off steam, and relieve financial stress. However, the divorce rate has dropped in the current economy because couples are unable to support themselves in separate households. What does that mean? It means there are a lot of unhappy and frightened women out there.

Take the ‘local man’ who recently lost his business in a well publicized series of unfortunate (for all concerned) events. The domino-effect of his company’s destruction came down like the proverbial deck of cards. He, himself, admitted in emails, as published in the newspaper, that he was ‘spiraling out of control, and needed help.’

Desperate men do desperate things. So the ‘local man’ starts acting like a bully around his girlfriend, a forty-five-year-old mother of two teenage girls. Allegedly, he breaks a chair over the back of the couch and who knows what else, but it drove her to the point to say, “I thought he was going to kill me.” So, reasonably, and rightly so, she breaks it off with him and files a restraining order.

But a sheet of paper doesn’t stop a killer, and certainly not one who is after his poor ex-girlfriend. So ‘local man’ catches up with his girlfriend last weekend and after an argument on the beach goes to his truck and gets his shot gun. He then ‘allegedly’ takes his shotgun and unloads three rounds into her back. Murdered. Dead. Killed. A brutal act by a selfish beast; who has left two grief-striven children behind to sort through the wreckage of his violent attack on their mother. Yes, they are talking death penalty for him.

If you have a girlfriend who is with an abusive partner offer her support, listen and tell her ‘it’s not her fault.’ Discourage your daughters from dating (or continuing to date – or worse marrying) men who are emotionally, and physically abusive. Don’t look the other way. Maybe it’s time to just say, ‘no,’ to unacceptable treatment at the hand of those who 'claim to love us most.'

Housework or a good spanking?

To spank or not to spank?

According to researchers at Northern Illinois University, those couples who engage in S & M (Sadomasochism activities) feel 'closer' after the activity. The researchers found that couples who 'spank or tie each other up" feel 'closer' afterward, in spite of increased stress hormones. This S & M activity also includes bondage and flogging.

Richard Wiseman, a British psychologist, says it was 'probably the shared activity' that encourages the mutual closeness. Noting that the same feeling of closeness could be hypothetically gained by something 'as simple as cooking a meal together or even doing housework.' However, Wiseman did not participate in the original study by NIU.(The Week).

Whether or not Wiseman's assertions that shared housework would bring couples together in the same way as S & M activity (as found by NIU researchers)is still speculative.

What do you say wives? Would he be happier with housework?

Romance is in the air today!

If you're feeling a little romantic today it's because love abounds on September 12. (Please excuse class being delayed a day).

Today is the day in history that Clementine Hozier married Winston Churchill (1908). Jacqueline Lee Bouvier married John F. Kennedy in Newport Rhode Island (1953). Aren't weddings wonderful?

Many times the wedding is the highpoint of the entire marriage (or maybe I am being a bit cynical). But if you are planning to get married, remarried or just want to renew your wedding vows I have some fabulous news for you!

I am sure you fancy that 'you and your love interest' are the most romantic couple on Earth, but you may have also heard of "Romeo and Juliet." Well, the two of you need to jump the next flight to Verona, Italy, and follow in Romeo and Juliet's famous footsteps.

The 13th Century mansion belonging to the Cappello family (believed to be the inspiration for William Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet)is now available for your own wedding vows. Yes, it's true. Now you, too, can get married on the balcony on which Juliet romanced by a wooing Romeo.

Once married, you can flee to France and honeymoon in the Chateau region. Hold hands on the grounds of beautiful castles and drink lots of wonderful red wine. Revel in your bouty of love and live, "Happily Ever After."

When he says, "I don't love you anymore."

In a recent article in the New York Times, Laura Munson, discussed her feelings and her strategy when her husband told her he wanted to move out and he 'no longer loved her, anymore.'

When she questioned him he said, "I don't like what you've become." Mrs. Munson, instead of handing her husband his luggage, demanding the house keys back and demanding that he leave within the hour said, "How can we have a responsible distance." The husband, annoyed and confused by her response remained in the home.

Mrs. Muson gave her husband the distance he wanted, even though he came home late, didn't show up to family parties and was emotionally distant. She felt at the end of his 'crisis' he would come back. And that is the key. She believed it was his crisis and not hers. Bravely, she weathered the storm stoically for six months until Thanksgiving dinner, when at the family prayer, he said, "I'm thankful for my family."

Munson seems to believe that she ducked his bid to leave a good marriage during a midlife crisis. That he suddenly realized that his childhood dreams and myths of grandeur had come home to roost, and he had failed himself, and she wisely, let him ride out his pain (although she acknowledges he tried to dump this 'disgrace' on her. In the end they're still together, and she considers this an achievement.

What do you think of this story? I would like to think that if a man tells me he "doesn't like what I've become" and that he "doesn't love me anymore" that it's time to move on. How long can a woman replay those words in her heard and not have feelings of marital 'worthlessness' set in.

I mean, wouldn't you always question why he said it? Why in the end he stayed? Where he was all of those lonely nights (and what he was doing)? Is it courage or is it fear that made Mrs. Munson stay? I would like to believe it is courage, but I would only hope that Mr. Munson has the same integrity, thoughtfulness as she. Obviously, he doesn't. Because if he did, he wouldn't have said those hurtful things to begin with.

Being a life partner, must entail being a friend, if nothing else. Mr. Munson is no man I would want in my fox hole, much less my home. What do you think?

Do you think I look pretty?

Have you ever spent hours doing your hair, make up and nails only to be completely ignored by your husband?

Remember the days when he raved about how beautiful you looked in jeans and a dirty sweatshirt? But that was when you were dating. Now, after several years of marriage you can't get a compliment out of him to save your life? Join the club of 'very married' women who try, to no avail, to wrangle a compliment out of their inattentive husbands.

The problem is, if you husband says you look beautiful after you've had to ask, you most likely won't believe him. And if you don't ask him, you'll be waiting all evening for him to notice you and the effort (and yes, it is effort) you went to look gorgeous. This is the dilemma most women will face sometime in their long term relationships or marriage. What you do about it is the question?

Some women will yell and scream until he understands the importance of noticing his spouse. Others will take the opposite and extreme route of ignoring their husbands and finding the fulfillment of full-on compliments elsewhere (if there is marriage without love there will be love without marriage).

It seems it would be simpler for husbands just to say, "Hey, Baby you look great." and keep the wheels well oiled at home. But for whatever reason, men think that after the 'bloom is off the rose' they can let the petals crumble to the ground. Perhaps, this is one of the reasons the divorce rate is so high (hoovering around 50%). Talk maybe cheap, but not giving your wife a sincere compliment maybe the most expensive mistake a man ever makes in a marriage.

The bottom line is simple; print this out and give it to your husband, and let him know this is one of the most important pieces of marital advice he'll ever get. Tell your wife/partner she is beautiful. The words will resonate for days, lift her spirits, and make the overall atmosphere in the household happier. Remember, happy wife, happy life. Go on, tell her she's beautiful - because she is.

Money, Money, Money!

Women have been so brainwashed by the destructive female culture that taught them to associate money with sin, evil and everything crude, that it would take an entire book to disentangle the subconscious fears and incredible fantasies that the simple noun, “money” evokes in most women.”

– Betty Lehan Harragan, Games Mother Never Taught You.

Money is one of the hottest subjects within a marriage. Often, the subject of money and how it will be handled isn’t brought up until the return from the honeymoon when the first bills start coming in. The question of who pays what and how much is at the core of many arguments. Money is cited as one of top, if not the top, reason for divorce.

Women, often come out at the bottom of the money equation after a marriage has ended. They often leave with a fractured career, bills and children to take care of. This is why single women with children are the number one segment of society that is heading into poverty. What can we do to prevent the downward spiral into a financial abyss of bills and debt? The number one thing women can do is rethink how they view money and take care of their finances while they’re in a relationship or a marriage.

In the book, Nice Girls Don’t Get Rich, Lois P. Frankel states one of the most fatal things a woman can do is to spend herself into debt. The first thing women need to understand is why they spend and spend too much. Franklin lists eight reasons:

1. Guilt – If I can’t spend time with (x) then I will buy them a gift.
2. Envy – If someone else has (x) why can’t I?
3. Living the moment – You only go around once – type thinking.
4. Impulsiveness – I can’t control myself at the mall.
5. Appearances – I need to drive a certain car for people to think I am successful.
6. Low self-esteem – I’ll feel better if I buy dinner for everyone.
7. Emotional fulfillment – I’m not in a good relationship – spending makes me feel better.
8. Available credit. I’ll pay it back later.

Understanding why you spend may be the first step in controlling or at least understanding your spending habits. Once you know why you spend your money, try to understand why he is spending his. Women, as a group, tend to be ‘givers,’ and will let a husband run through hard earned money without question. Money that is earmarked as ‘family money’ may be supporting his personal hobby, or worse, addiction. Try to get your head around where the money is spent.

Before you give up your career and home to move across country to get involved in a relationship or marriage understand where you are financially. Decide up front who owns what, how household expenses will be paid, who will payback incurred debt, how disposable income will be spent and by whom? Be cautious before you get involved in joint checking accounts, savings accounts and credit cards. This seems unromantic but it may save you a lot of grief later on.

Keep good track of your expenditures and your household funds. Most of all, keep your own personal savings account. This is your ‘rainy day’ fund. You never know what is around the next corner and you will want to be prepared for any emergency. Elizabeth Cady Stanton said, “Every woman should have her own purse.”

How do you handle family finances? We want to know.

Who can you call, 'Husband?"

Is a husband still a husband only by another name?

Let's not forget that marriage is a social convention, originally established for the elites of the world and gradually worked its way down to the masses. Marriage, it is claimed, was a way for men to keep track of their off spring. By marrying, and through the monogamy of marriage, men could establish which children were theirs - especially for the rights associated with inheritance. This method was established thousands of years before DNA testing was avaliable (or probably even thought of), and seemed to work fairly well to establish the familial lines of a clan.

Marriage is typically between three entities: the church, the state and the couple. The church gives it's blessings, and the state makes it legal. The couple are bound by a contract between the state and themselves. Over the last few decades the state has taken more interest in marriage and and this formally 'private' sphere has become increasingly, 'public.' A lot of the state intervention has had to do with domestic violence and child abuse. What was once acceptable, such as "the rule of thumb," is not longer tolerated. The "rule of thumb" was an accepted method for decipling wives. You could beat your wife but only with a stick no thicker than your thumb. Yes, that's true.

Marriage has continued to evolve. The current debates are over who can marry? Who can be a husband and a wife? Namely, does this mean a man and a woman? Last week the Iowa Supreme Court said (in a 7-0 decision) that same sexes can marry. The court cited the state constitution's commitment to equal protection for all of its citizens. Thus, Iowa (America's conservative heartland) joins Connecticut, Massachusetts, and Vermont as the states where gay couples can marry.

Detractors are agruing that it is not for the judicial branch to decide, but for the legislature. Even if Iowa tries to reverse the ruling with its conservative legislatures, it would still have to take the issue to the public to achieve a constitutional amendment. The earliest Iowa would be able to do this is 2011.

Minister Paul Rushenbush stated in Beliefnet.com that he sees no difference between gay and straight marriages. Saying there is no "qualitative difference between the love and commitment."

Whether or not you agree or disagree with the ruling, the question remains is there always a husband in any marriage? Or only wives in a lesbian marriage and husbands in a homosexual male marriage? Does anyone know? Or have an opinion?